About my journey
As a result of my dyslexia I have always struggled with writing and when faced with a task which involved this skill I was met with anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. These feelings really came to a head during my time at university, I was constantly questioning my intelligence to the point where I openly labelled myself as “stupid”, every time I had to ask for help I was embarrassed and allowed it to chip away at my confidence.
As with all things, the discomfort in this aspect of my life was not limited to this. It leaked into everything, it made me feel powerless and over reliant on others, if I wasn't confident to perform this apparently basic skill for myself, how could I be confident to do anything for myself? This feeling led me to overindulge in alcohol and food, which was all to easy to do in the university environment I found myself in, this led to me putting on weight which again added to my sense of inadequacy and guilt and in an attempt to compensate for these feelings I turned to bulimia. My mind and body were at war, on some days it would consume me and food would be all I thought about, other days were not so bad, but it was always present.
When I first discovered Yoga I was blown away, I knew I had found something but I wasn’t quite sure what, and it certainly wasn't the quick fix to all life’s problems I had initially hoped. I would practice, then take a course, but when I came back to my everyday life I would slip into my old patterns, so I would take another course, and another, determined to find that elusive sense of fulfilment and control that my bulimia had failed to give me but eventually I realised I had become a glutton for knowledge, I was gorging on it and I was, in many ways, repeating the same mistakes of the past. At this point I accepted bulimia was going to be a part of my life but as I began studying trauma sensitive yoga I began to see lessons which had previously eluded me. The “mind” and “body” are so deeply interconnected they can hardly be said to be separate, and to use one to punish the other is futile, I had finally stumbled upon the “real” stuff, what I sensed but could not quite comprehend when I first started, this was not a quick fix, this was not a gimmick to sell books and yoga pants, this was the union I was seeking and, like everything, it leaked into all other aspects of my life.
I am not the finished article, and I never will be, I haven’t stumbled into perfection, what has happened is more subtle and beautiful than that and it is something that can only be explained by experience. I now have the privilege to share with others the lessons that have helped me and learn from them as I continue on my journey.
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